The name is McGobbley, Ronald McGobbley.

He’s slick, he’s bored and he likes to smoke, what else does he need to do? Oh yes, and he kills people for money. His next target, mystical seductress Miss Big Lips, aka the seductress. Their staying at the Expensive room hotel in Moscow. They both speak English. Ronald McGobbley studied English history at Oxford before going on to work for MI6. He’s the departments most fragile and incompetent spy and they are keen for him to move on, but somehow he keeps coming back. They hope this is his last mission.

‘Miss Big Lips, how is your tan coming on.’

‘Fine, Ronald.’

‘Ouch, another foot in the door another booty in the lake, kapow.’

‘Oh, Ronald you are such a gentleman.’

He looks at her, holding a large can of Stella and smoking a roll up. ‘Of course, I studied those prostitutes with my Oxford buddies didn’t I,’ he whispers to himself as he downs the can and tosses it to the fire. It catches alight and he chokes on the roll up. Miss Big Lips strips her blouse and darts to kick the can out the open window.

Ronald stuffs the cigarette in his mouth and he cries out, ‘ow!’ as he dives to grab the can. He lands on the rug but the can has left the window and hit the street below.

‘Why are you so keen to drink that?’ Miss Big Lips asks, changing into a nightgown. Ronald lays on the rug, pulling the remains of the cigarettes from his mouth and adjusting his bow tie.

‘I never cared much for women, and I don’t want to remember tonight.’

Miss Big Lips looks over the balcony. ‘Why don’t you order some room service?’

Ronald’s jaw falls open, his eyes are piercing a hole in her. ‘Woman, have you seen the price of the mini bar? How much do you think the room service is! Headquarters won’t pay for that!’

‘I see, so this business your in, production of steel grade condoms, does it not do very well?’

Ronald gets to his feet, cracking his neck. ‘I told you, it’s not condoms, it’s professional steel grade protective devices used on the penis to should a grenade go off in your pocket by accident.’

‘I see. Have you much experience with that?’

‘With what?’

‘The grenades!’ she shouts. Ronald tears up, it’s all too much after the way he was treated at headquarters. He turns his back to Big Lips and sits on the leather corner chair, shaded by the dark.

‘No, I haven’t. But when I was down there, we had to walk a lot. Wait, what was the question? Forget it.’ He pulls out a small lighter from his pocket and a pre rolled cigarette and lights it. His scarred face is mildly illuminated in the dark, the smoke gathers.

‘Let’s just spend the night inside.’ Miss Big Lips rolls onto the bed.

‘Of course.’ Suddenly the fire alarm goes off and the sprinklers in the room activate and they are covered in thick water. ‘$%@& .’

McGobbley will return in the next mission

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