The Auditor

This weeks exclusive sees us transcribe as closely as possible this auditing situation which unfolded outside of a busy police station. (Quiet) For security purposes the actual recording was burned.

Auditor: ‘Aup sausage how you doing today?’

Police officer: ‘Why you filming then?’

Auditor: ‘None of your business sausage. Why are you filming? Muppet.’

Police officer: ‘For what reason are you filming?’

Auditor: ‘I’ve already told you sausage, none of your business sunshine. Jog on back to the meatwagon.’

Police officer: ‘You’re filming a secure location, you might be a terrorist.’

Auditor: ‘Oh jog on, here we go, section 43. How am I a terrorist? This is too funny, you need to learn your rights my friend. You don’t just come marching up to a member of the public and start demanding they tell you what they are doing when filming in public is perfectly legal.’

Police officer: ‘Not it’s not. This is private land, get off now or you will be searched under section 1 of pace.’

Auditor: ‘You are very rude sir. Go away, you’re dismissed you silly sausage, go on, jump back into the frying pan you lump of lard. Go on, jog on you Muppet. You’ll be hearing from professional standards for that, laying hands on the public for no reason. Back to your pig stye you cretin.’

The officer leaves the scene and our auditing buddy continues his mission. Fortunately he is uninterrupted for 10 minutes before the same officer returns, this time wielding a cup of coffee. He is smiling. The officer does not stop to talk but walks to the nearby police rapid response vehicle, enters and slowly drives away.

Upcoming exclusive interview… Next week: The Goat Whisperer

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